Very Mary-Kate

The unofficial celebrity biography of Mary-Kate Olsen, brought to spoiled rotten life by Elaine Carroll. Featuring Bodyguard, Fat Professor, and obscene wealth.

Creators and Cast

Creators

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Elaine Carroll

Creator

Cast

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Elaine Carroll

Mary-Kate / Ashley

Episodes

Season 1

19 episodes

S1 E1 · Moving Out

2010-01-31

I get a new place. Ash looks totes fugly - ugh - I mean tired in this one. Wardrobe provided by Donna Karen.

S1 E2 · Moving Day

2010-01-31

My bodyguard is responsible for everything related to my body, including moving the stuff I surround my body with.

S1 E3 · Bodyguard

2010-01-31

Got legit sick filming this. Didn't sleep for 48 hrs. Not cuz of drugs, you haters, b/c I'm an effing method actor.

S1 E4 · Baby

2010-01-31

I consider getting a baby. At least I think that's what happens. It's been a while since I read the script.

S1 E5 · Baby Daddy

2010-02-07

Bodyguard flat out refuses to be my daddy baby, so I flat out threaten to steal his sperm.

S1 E6 · Depressed

2010-03-01

I'm tired of waiting around for that special someone to have a baby for me.

S1 E7 · Hangover

2010-03-01

I learn never to drive drunk. Especially when driving a blimp.

S1 E8 · Fight

2010-03-01

I know to get emotional when the piano music kicks in.

S1 E9 · Phillip Seymour Hoffman

2010-03-13

I get acting lessons from the Academy Award-winning creep-o.

S1 E10 · Cat

2010-04-04

I decide to get a cat rather than have a baby because it's more expensive.

S1 E11 · Back to School

2010-04-04

Part of being a grown-up is getting an edumacation.

S1 E12 · Extension

2010-04-11

Can I have an extension on that paper I have to write? I have to learn how to write.

S1 E13 · Paper

2010-04-11

I ended up getting an "F" for "F"-ort.

S1 E14 · Crush

2010-04-18

It's just a little crush, and I barf every time you touch.

S1 E15 · Ashleyguard

2010-04-18

But Ashley doesn't have nipple hair!

S1 E16 · Nightmare

2010-04-26

Quiet, Evil Dragon, I'm trying to write a description!

S1 E17 · Zac Efron

2010-04-29

A date with Zac Efron? Zac Ef yes!

S1 E18 · Hoffman 2

2010-05-03

Is this about all those blimps I crashed? Because I keep telling you guys, I don't care.

S1 E19 · Gun

2010-05-03

Do you feel lucky, Bodyguard? Are you a Luckyguard?

Season 2

27 episodes

S2 E1 · Recap

2010-10-12

OMG you guys! I'm back! Did you miss me?

S2 E2 · Clone

2010-10-14

Comet is back! Thank you, science!

S2 E3 · Cheating

2010-10-19

Cheating is so hard! I need to learn how to cheat at it.

S2 E4 · Woody Allen

2010-10-21

Amir guest stars as Mary-Kate's Godfather.

S2 E5 · Trick-or-Treat

2010-10-26

Tricking is less calorific than treating.

S2 E6 · Hoffmoween

2010-10-28

Phil Hoffman's scariest as himself.

S2 E7 · Excuses

2010-11-02

My dog ate this video description.

S2 E8 · Presentation

2010-11-04

The best presentation in the history of history class.

S2 E9 · Driving

2010-11-09

Learning to drive is as easy as eating pie. It's very hard.

S2 E10 · Woody Allen 2

2010-11-11

Where there's a will, there's a way too talkative.

S2 E11 · Naked

2010-11-16

Bodyguard's in his birthday suit.

S2 E12 · Fired

2010-11-18

Bodyguard gets a pink slip. oooooh, pink!

S2 E13 · Hired

2010-11-23

One girl's trash is another girl's bodyguard.

S2 E14 · Photo Shoot

2010-11-30

A face that only her sister could love.

S2 E15 · Bath

2010-12-02

Rub-a-dub-dub, Ashley wants some love.

S2 E16 · Presentation 2

2010-12-07

I put my Louisiana Purchase on my Amex.

S2 E17 · Conference

2010-12-09

Bodyguard and Professor go head-to-fat-head.

S2 E18 · Sexy Time

2010-12-14

Ashley won't take gross for an answer.

S2 E19 · Sick

2010-12-16

It's not bulimia when you haven't eaten.

S2 E20 · Confession

2010-12-21

Mary-Kate gets D and dirty with G almighty.

S2 E21 · Church

2010-12-28

The lord is my shepherd, but lambswool makes me itchy.

S2 E22 · Vegas, Part 1

2011-01-04

No summary.

S2 E23 · Vegas, Part 2

2011-01-06

No summary.

S2 E24 · Vegas, Part 3

2011-01-11

Deserts are even scarier than desserts.

S2 E25 · Vegas, Part 4

2011-01-13

Mary-Kate tweets her way to safety.

S2 E26 · Gold Rush

2011-01-18

Is a gold rush when Tiffany's has a sale?

S2 E27 · Presentation 3

2011-01-20

Always present on an empty stomach.

Season 3

24 episodes

S3 E1 · Raise Your Hand

2011-12-01

I can't raise my hand. I'm allergic to effort.

S3 E2 · Magazines

2011-12-08

Magazines are sooo heavy. Especially the ones with pictures of fat people.

S3 E3 · Jetlag

2011-12-15

Can't sleep? Count sheepskin boots.

S3 E4 · Santa

2011-12-22

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house I was shuffling around chain smoking and trying on different shoes.

S3 E5 · Presentation 4

2012-01-06

War. What is it good for? Cute uniforms!

S3 E6 · Jewish Looking Girl

2012-01-12

She's a rock star of David.

S3 E7 · Layers

2012-01-19

It's freezing cold under all these layers

S3 E8 · Call My Phone

2012-01-26

Sing along! Actually no, just find my phone.

S3 E9 · Trenta

2012-02-02

Start the morning with a gallon of joe.

S3 E10 · Evil Dragon

2012-02-09

It's always the bodyguard you least suspect.

S3 E11 · Police

2012-02-17

I fought the law and the law was a jerk face.

S3 E12 · Mug Shot

2012-02-23

Is this the duckface of a criminal?

S3 E13 · Jail

2012-03-08

Mary-Kate deals with life in the slammer.

S3 E14 · Dishwasher

2012-03-15

Mary-Kate loves shiny appliances! And by that she means sweaty laborers.

S3 E15 · Pillow Talk

2012-03-22

Mary-Kate and Bodyguard may have effed up and effed.

S3 E16 · Very Maggie Smith: Sex and Sexuality

2012-04-01

Butler stays abreast of Maggie Smith's love life.

S3 E17 · Sleeping in Class

2012-04-05

Mary-Kate goes to sleep to the soothing sounds of a yelling professor.

S3 E18 · Professor's Presentation

2012-04-12

Mary-Kate sabotages Professor in front of the school board.

S3 E19 · Slumber Party

2012-04-19

First one to fall asleep gets a hand in warm Pellegrino

S3 E20 · Pills

2012-04-26

Take once per day with a picture of food

S3 E21 · Comet

2012-05-03

Mary-Kate's cat meows out against drugs.

S3 E22 · Draw Something

2012-05-10

Mary-Kate challenges Bodyguard to some 1am Pictionary.

S3 E23 · Very Maggie Smith: The Case of the Cracked Cup

2012-05-24

When Maggie Smith's teacup goes handle-less, everyone's a suspect.

S3 E24 · Summer House

2012-05-31

Mary-Kate gets lost indoors and has to crack out her survival skills.

Season 4

12 episodes

S4 E1 · Manicure

2013-01-24

Mary-Kate's nail art should hang in a museum.

S4 E2 · Lost in Translation

2013-01-31

Mary-Kate makes a French connection.

S4 E3 · Breaking Up

2013-02-07

Mary-Kate is torn between her muscleman and her Frenchman.

S4 E4 · Dinner with Hoffman

2013-02-14

The Oscar creeper sabotages Mary-Kate and Sarkozy's date.

S4 E5 · Instagram

2013-02-21

Who wants daiquiris??? #nofilter

S4 E6 · Evaluations

2013-03-07

Mary-Kate writes her teacher evaluations, and Fat Professor forms a rebuttal.

S4 E7 · Shrooms

2013-03-13

Mary-Kate and Jewish-Looking Girl trip into friendship.

S4 E8 · Conference Call

2013-03-21

Mary-Kate needs help with a homework assignment, and enlists the help of everyone she knows.

S4 E9 · Drinking Game

2013-03-28

Mary-Kate creates her own drinking game, and quickly gets sick of it.

S4 E10 · Bad Connection

2013-04-11

Bodyguard and Mary-Kate's relationship takes a turn for the staticky.

S4 E11 · Presentation 5

2013-04-18

Mary-Kate gives a presentation about the Wig Party.

S4 E12 · Diamonds Are My Only Friends

2013-04-25

No summary.